Infidelity

[Oct 4, 2015, 8:03 PM] - Written long ago, perhaps was too scared of the world to post it then. 
Today, I am successful. 
I have it all. I care not. 
I question freely everything the world believes .. 

Infidelity 

I fell in love when I was 19 with a guy in high school. He never loved me back though. I am still convinced, I love him and it's 10 years since. I am acquainted with him now and Was foolish enough to tell him about my feelings. Now I am friends with his wife and sometimes I speak to him on different pretexts. He still makes me smile without any efforts. 

I have since then ..met more men, enjoyed toying with them. Broken few hearts ... Have also been hurt myself in this process. Another friend of mine .. Is getting married very soon and I am again convinced I love him. So it hurts. But then I ask myself, if I am given a wish to have all I want, would i want a life with him? 

The answer scares me. The answer is no. I am not so much in love with anyone yet to not explore love more. There are these intense moments of need and all my energy is focused on this one being... One man...And either I live it or I allow it to wither.. But then, I move on. 

Have I thought of other man when i was with one, yes. Does it mean that I did not love him enough... I loved him at that moment .. But that is my reality ... It is all in the moment ... I am doing that now... At this very moment ... I love you...and we cherish our minds ... Our bodies ...our talks range from stars in the sky to the bees in the garden ...and we dance and sing and we wake up together .. Brew our coffee and share breakfast... And then we kiss good bye ... Until next time .. If ever there is a next time ... Who knows ... This moment is true .. But promises are not a part of it ... A wanderer .. An explorer... A heartbreaker ... A rebel... A seeker ... A lover ...

I know this that my love is true ... It is selfless and all giving ... It is infinite .. Just ..there are no demands I make of you ... Apart from your free will of being here with me... Knowing ... I might not be with you any more than this moment of truth...  My love is not confined ... It is free and soars high above rules ... When I am in you .. And you are in me... Do we really think of anything that is untrue .. Do we realize of an existence of a society .. And do we feel compelled to give names to our feelings ... Can we think at all ..  I don't really recall any thought ... It all seems to be a blurry vision of infinite happiness .. If happiness could be seen at all... Yet .. I go through this condemnation... This dark alley ... Where I am branded as being cruel ... I understand my walking a path unknown ... Unsure of destination.. Insecure....But I never asked for comforts ... And I don't wish for labels ... Why then what my mind rejoices in and my body is ecstatic about and it is all but pleasure and generosity... Why do you tell me it is ... Infidelity..

Releasing Toxic Thoughts

Measles is back ...even Polio is on the rise. Let’s hope yellow fever and plague joins the party .. the stupidity of humanity needs massive eradication measures. Looking forward to a more depressed needle using genY. Absolutely brilliant way of world this is!

Please can we have some more genocides too.. and religious bigots, where are your army men! And can we please further subsidize tobacco and legalize heroin?

It is a pathological state of mind to fear death of a loved one. This fear leads no where. I look forward to death as freedom. I seek it for myself and for all my loved ones. It would mean an end. I care not the form or the time of it.

Therefore I choose to live every moment I breath in happiness and wherever possible, kindness.

Sometimes I do feel like throwing a paper weight across the hall at an idiot who peeved me. But such moments have its charm.

7 billion is just too many. Culling of massive proportions needed. 

Inadequacy - A feeling of perpetual sinking

Does this happen to all?

Or is it another kind of greed? I wouldn’t ever bother refiguring my way of life as it is in every sense of the word, perfect. 

I walk by a cafe and sense the amazingness of the people. I am at Harvard Square. The premier society of socialists and scientists. Kindness and brilliance. My conversations enrich me everyday. Even if Everyone is really a stranger.  

Last year, when I moved into my home, it was way above my affordability. But I saw the potential. All I had to do was wear it out the first year and then refigure the rent split, find people with Dogs and build a home. Yes it was a stress, but now I have it as I want it. 

This is how it has always been. I decide what I want to do and then it takes me a nightmare to get there. But I do get there. Or, so far have been getting there. 

Here, it’s a default expectation that I too am a Harvard or if not, certainly an MIT affiliate. Truth is I am not. I never was any good of an academic cadre to begin with. India taught me a lot and the best bit was resilience and the art of surviving the strongest of tides. But I never won awards or held ranks in schools and my school isn’t even famous in India, let alone this whole wide world.

My journey to US is still so much of a good fiction in its core elements. I had no means, no rich uncles living in foreign lands to cover tuition and definitely no genius in my head. How did I get here? Thankfully I had a very very bold family who took the risks and fortunate enough to be born in a country which had systemic corruption. Yes, I owe my life of dignity, honesty, credibility and uprightness to the fruits of endless lies and corruption. 

What lies? Lies that I could afford living in USA and provide collateral for my huge loan. How did I do that? I did not have any home nor did my father. We were tenants. Try getting a long term student visa and loan with no permanent home address! 

In India, for every one thing that can’t be done officially, there are many ways of doing it unofficially. Thank god for that! 

Faked a permanent residential address with help of a very sympathetic and kind and unscrupulous bank manager who knew the system loop holes and assembled a loan of $35,000 USD without a collateral. Faked my financial assets with help of certified tax consultant, bloated my gold reserves by borrowing jewelry from friends and taking loads of cash to store in savings account for just a balance statement. 

In all of this, it took a very kind and loving village to have this girl cross the border. Everyone who partook in these shades of greying deals is by the standards of west, a failed human being. And yet, each one is my hero. Many in the west do not know what it is to not have. There is a lot of suffering here too. A lot of children buried under debt. It takes a huge toll on them to survive the scrutiny of the world here. But they do not have the loopholes which I had the privilege of exploiting to become a better me. My hypocrisy amazes me. 

And one other thing that amazes me is, the sheer amount of opportunities here in US. Back home, the only way to "Have" is to take it from someone else. Honest labor has no value. Simply because there are just endless masses of human beings in honest labor. It’s not regarded as anything big deal. You need labor a lot of it, endless hours of it, devoid of any need for life, forget ergonomic environment, clean air is a myth and healthy food and “me” time is missing in its entirety. 

There is a lot of fun at home though. In extreme apathy, humor is the only escape. Unhealthy food is always delicious and since everyone is grinding and groveling, no one feels left out or inadequate. 

Everyone is more or less happy and there is a lot of support to just get by. US scares me. I don’t see any support should i fail. I also don’t see any corruption to give me any advantage over others. And while that may be a great thing in general and not my concern for now, as I am successful.  

But what if I fail? What happens when I stop becoming amazing? What if I just want to slow down a bit or just get exhausted or even bored for a while? In a society where only extreme competence and super intelligence is rewarded and everything else is a baggage, what fate does it hold for the non conformists. 

I miss never being able to quit to travel. I fear falling ill. And even with the most kindest of managers, I worry sharing my fears, what if they are just a baggage. What if I am just a liability in a delusion of being an asset?

So rule of life is be best to live best else wither away.  Failure is to Be Gone and be lost into nothingness. You will have friends and lovers only for the success that you are. Your failure and loneliness has no shelter. It is a life of dread and a sign of weakness to feel this impending inadequacy. Finding a therapist to boost morale, taking pills to feel the upside, finding successful projects to keep going. Do everything that can be done to not miss a step. No one has a choice anymore. 

I cannot deny my deep sadness for never having the courage to be around children. All I see is sadness and gloom for the world they are going to inherit and the pain that will be their perpetuity. Irony remains, if the children grow up to be oblivious to the apathy around them which is the fate of all save the elite 1%, that is another darkness the world cannot bear. No children for me, and it hurts me. 

Kindness, empathy, spirituality and happiness is only worth a dime when accompanied with the made up social dignity. A homeless man’s wondrous music is worth few pennies and more disgust in general.  Such is life! 

I am happy

You worry 

I resolve

You share fears

I share faith

You are insecure

I am confident

You break

I build

You are divisive

I am constructive

You pretend concern

I am kind & concerned

You are tired

I am drained

You are sad

I am happy

I am happy

I am happy

You have a home 

I don't 

I am happy

I am happy

You are rich

I am broke

I am happy

I am happy

I am happy

You cause suffering

I suffer and yet

I am happy

I am not sorry

I am happy

You are unreal

I am naked and visible

You are lost

I am light

You are shrinking 

I am surfing

You will diminish 

I will preserve 

I am happy

Cancer & Care

Do we really care? Do we even understand the implications of our today’s decisions or rather our indecisiveness. We as a society are drawn more and more towards distractions. The sum total of our social responsibilities comes down to viewing select few documentaries and commenting on the myriad social media platforms of how we are really moved. Yet, our daily life remains unmoved. Until a point comes and when we really get hit hard. 

Past one year, I am amidst the statistics of rare cancer. Cancer is a term collectively used for 400 types of different malignant diseases. 380 of these types are rare. 1 in 3 victims of cancer are diagnosed of this rare type. In the year 2018, USA documented almost 3 million cancer patients and 550,000 of these patients were rare cancers. 

We want to believe our way of world is fine and all shall be well. Tell that to the parents who are living in the hospitals with their children undergoing chemo or radiation. What does it take for us to stop children being treated as guinea pigs by doctors who are limited in their understanding of the rare cancer volcanic landscape not intentionally but because as a society we have failed to arm them with adequate information. Accurate diagnosis is hard due to inefficient infrastructure of molecular level screens. There is no consistency within the medical community on a host of cancers regarding the best treatment regiment. Specialists are unaffordable for many without top line insurance coverage. 

I am often asked why can’t I prioritize the rare cancers since there are already so many cardiac and diabetic researches going on. Or for that matter, Breast and lung cancer therapies are abundant. My only response is there is no profit. 

Health care industry can only benefit from a diseased society. Clean air, purified water, nutrient rich natural diet and a regularly exercising stress free population will eventually cause nightmares for hundreds of CEOs. We are happy to be glued to ever aspiring TV shows, dismal political conflicts, buying our sodas and sweetened cheap fast food and paying for our weakening health. Everything I have written so far is all well known to all. Writing doesn’t matter no more. Feelings and emotions become redundant. Getting in the field to make an effort to do something has only taught me the investor dot com mentality of immediate gratifications and fast turning of profits with ever increasing margins. Make no mistake, even the mightiest of benefactors with their full page articles of generosity only back the horse ready to win the clinical trials. If you have a target candidate to take to the patients, then will the money roll and that too after the profit pie is adequately divided. 

The journey from nothingness to identifying the potential target requires a massive research infrastructure. The labs with its invitro 2D & 3D cultures and new age reagents, the rodent proof of concept studies, the need for people often pulling genius rabbit ideas out of their really poor hats all the time keeping the spirits high. A rare cancer startup is where I have learned more about caring and truly being meaningful. Living with caregivers of patients and being led by a survivor, this journey marks a new hope. This is the 20th of April, 2019. I am forced to become a better person and keep my selfish needs to myself just this once for the greater good. I want to believe I can do this and not run away again as is my habit of escape. I escaped India to avoid drowning in the endless apathy. This time it’s different. Today I feel I may have a fighting chance. 

Here is a toast to hope! 

On Loyalty

Often a hugely difficult state of mind and life. What is loyalty? Defined as a strong feeling of support and allegiance, misplaced loyalty and divided sense of belonging is plaguing this world. Or is this plague just in my world?

To be true to my own self is to find the best that is for me. The best for me now happens to be whatever my loved ones need. My most loved one, my mother needs me with her. I do not want that and so where is my loyalty?

I want to be free of restraints and travel with my head held high. I want to love more, explore it all and this leads to more infidelity. I love intimacy and this breaks more hearts. The idea of continuity is so elusive to my mind, so fragile an entity, please can someone explain me loyalty?

I am loyal to my friends and dote on children. I do not want any family of mine anymore for I fear never having enough of anything for them. I fear passing on my imperfections, I fear their critical reviews on my failures as a parent. I do not know where to hide my insecurities for the fatigue of faking it every moment is so real. I do not like this world and so I feel its time to end it all. 

I wish I never knew love and selfless giving. I find all of my thoughts and words confusing me every day more. It would be a happiness to stop chasing a dream. What is this white American lie that I am forcing myself to fit in? It is not my music nor my flavors, I miss my garden fragrances, and yet the lure of money I barely save keeps gratifying a senseless pride. 

Who am I loyal to and what have I become? What do I want to do and who should I turn to? Is this a cry for help and is it time to spend my wages on a therapist? 

I write this when my life is near perfect. I am 32 years of age, employed in a Boston Biotech working with some brilliant people. I recently bought an apartment in my city of joy, kolkata and I can afford the monthly mortgage with ease while living in my harvard square fancy leased space. I own a car, I received the H1B in a Trump Era. Point being, when I read my life in another 20 years, this day should seem silly. 

There is no reason for any conflicts. Parents do become old and illness makes them weep. Life goes on and there are millions of migrants. Why is my split of sentiments any more valid than rest? While the world wages war, I am at peace. Or, I should be at peace.  

It is but a chance to be born in any geography. True curse is to have to be driven away from those lands far off. And yet the very effort of leaving the more familiar geography leads to so much more. Such enrichment in experiences. So much wonders to explore. Also the loneliness. A curse so coveted. Loyalty confuses me so much. Patriotism is a form of ego must to abjure and never to imprint. And here I am craving home. 

No, I don't just crave my family and time with them. I want my home. I also want my first world privileges and this is where the world divides. I want it all tonight!

I don't want to Fight Climate Change

I don't want to "FIGHT" the climate change. It is not a fight. A fight always divides people into 2 groups (For & Against). And we do have this division across the world right now which needs to be addressed first. Climate change cannot have anyone, not even a single child, man, women or our friends from the transgender or as I like to say (gender bias free) citizens in the "Against" team. Also, we cannot put a resistance against a natural calamity so it is not a fight of human beings vs. nature. It is just not a fight! It is a tragedy we all need to survive with our hopes intact and head held high.

As like any tragedy, an obvious reaction is "Denial". This is the challenge I want to address. The only problem is communication. The reason why a lot of people (including Trump) are behaving carefree is because of the general human tendency - "It is not in my backyard hence not my problem"

Let's be real here, if we burn all the coals and dump all nauseating elements in our environment, we will still hold good for another few hundred years. And most people who refuse to acknowledge the real threats of the climate change are people who probably don't care what happens to anyone after their lifetime.

Profit is a strong motivation and there are just not enough incentives to make people who don't care about the environment, start caring because we expect them to do so. Best analogy I can come up with, a person contemplating suicide will not change his /her thoughts if we just tell them or and brute force won't work. We have to mold their thoughts and that will take time and constant action involving a lot of direct contact.

Global warming and climate change is a discussion which firstly needs to be free of blame games. We are all equally responsible. Next, we need to stop expecting equal financial contributions from all nations and likewise equal sense of responsibility from all nationalities. Not everyone is actualized and a highly qualified person need not be socially conscious. Likewise a rural kid with no access to information might be more sensitive to our cause.

So in essence, I want to be a part of a team which understands the people we have to work with (which includes everyone who hates us), speak to them in the language they understand and provide enough incentives and information to change their mindset. We have limited funds and limited availability of people. I hope my message gets through. We need to be more aware of whom we are talking to and be sensitive to the language we use.

Best Regards,
Deboshree
Massachusetts, USA

Religion again ....

The more I disown religion... the more I embrace liberty ....

Religion to me is a control mechanism formulated eons ago by some very wise people who understood the destructive desires of mankind. It has the underlying principle of fear and retribution with occasional spasms of wisdom and preaching of  kindness and generosity. Over the years, I have come to realize if people need religion to behave well, something is wrong with our world.

I am a believer... a believer of something amazing... something that made life.... it could well be that I believe in "nothingness" which created life .. or aliens or god... and I wonder if my god is a homosapien or a crustacean ...does it have a gender.... and does it really care what I cook or what is going on in my bedroom ... let alone my lone mind...

I like having a god in my life... whenever I am at my lowest... my mind finds the cushion to curl up....Does this make me spiritual?? We love living in a world of terminologies....

Do I feel religion is a wasted effort... No ... try telling a mother holding a dying infant in her hand in a remote desolated home with no means of any modern medication... her prayer rituals are hoax.... and her temple / Mosque / Church is an empty shell....

For millions of people... religion is a community of hope and celebration of countless happy events which symbolizes gratitude for god... It consoles the helpless and gives them the strength to survive the obscene .. now if the scientist in me decides to prove all organized religion is meaningless...I better have a replacement for that cushion ...truth is ...  no science can ever replace the power of mind which clings to hope ...

hope is perhaps the best synonym for god .. and all while I acknowledge radical elements make it hard to see the validity of organized belief systems... an absolute disregard for religion and it's practices is a disregard for simplicity .... happiness and celebrations....  personally ... I am informed enough to question the concepts and derive relevance of the scriptures pertinent to my way of life...

ছুটি চাই ....চাই ছুটি

ছুটি চাই ....চাই ছুটি
শব কাজ বন্ধ
চিন্তা ধারণা  .... মস্তিক অন্ধ
খিদে চাইনা। ..ঘুম ভাঙ্গা চলবেনা
চাহিদা কোনো হবেনা
ছুটি !!

একটা দিন মাত্র ছুটি
হাসি না। .... কান্না  না  .....
রান্না তো একেবারেই না !
চান না.. ..দাতো ব্রাশ করার দরকার নেই। .
কোনো তরকারী নেই। ...
মাছের মাথা মুড়ি ঘন্ট। ..একদমই নেই !
ছুটি !!

খবরের কাগজ পরে শুদু শুদু দুঃখ করা চলবেনা  ...
আলোচনার বিশেষ কোনো চেষ্টা  .... তাও হবেনা
ছুটি দাও। ..

হে আধুনিক জীবন   ....
আর বুদ্ধি শয়্না   ....
ছুটি চাই   ...

আর চাই এক কাপ গরম গরম চা !!
ইশ ! হোলোতঃ মূর্খামি  ... আবার সেই চাই চাই

নেই  ....ছুটি নেই  .... লোভের জীবনে টাকা আছে  .... ছুটি নেই !

Travel Memoirs

It is ok to climb high even if you could only do it once
Reach the destination... although you are the last one
Observe the world in a way you never did before ...
laugh with people you never spoke with ever ...
Ask for help... accept the pain ... aspire to be better ... dream 
Truth is fierce ... Self reflection scary ...
Our weakness does not define our soul...
Our falls are only momentary ... how we rise ...legendary...
With every travel ... learn so much more..
on the road ...life reloads ...
Priorities are transient ... matter erodes
Passion ... Philosophy ...Misery ...
Companion .... ethereal hope
We are all walking alone ... stars shining.. seemingly close...
Illusion of freedom ... glory of goodness ... reality of cost
such is our world ... beautiful .. brave ...battle lost ...

---- Road Trip Kentucky, Tennessee & North Carolina

 Making new friends ... Losing old ones ... Memories .. Some etched for lifetime ... Some erased for ever .... Traveling is fanciful thing to have in your profile ... It reads well ... Perfect ego escalator ...I am a traveller ... Something that sets you apart from the usual herd of regular people ... If only you knew the ache ... It hurts so much ... It hurts to go back ... It hurts to find it difficult to be regular .. You crave to be happy in your day job & wish to not wish so much to be some where ... It hurts when your most desired of the bucket list is incomplete .. But you smile away .. It hurts to be humiliated & laughed at for being silly .. To always hope strangers will say yes ... And they don't .. It hurts when friends say yes & then say no ... Every travel diary teaches so much more about our own selves .. Wonder if we really want to know so much ...see so much .. The need to see more increases so much more ... It hurts so much ... It's so beautiful ... It feels so real .. To hurt so much .. So much truth .. Such rawness ...so much love .. With just life ... world .... people

---- 2016 New Year Week San Francisco & Toronto

Love

Yes.. my favorite music station is love songs
Yes .. I love talking about relationships
Yes.. My whole world is about my emotions & love
Yes .. nothing else really matters but the feeling of being loved
Yes.. I work full time & I have money & success & happening social life .. I still crave love
Yes .. I am demanding and dominant & still I wish to be compliant in Love
Yes.. It is silly.. but such is the beauty of love
Yes.. Its starts with I love you
Yes.. Its true... So what if you don't believe in "I DO" ..
Yes.. Every sentence you read so far has 'love'
Yes.. I am not making much sense... perhaps I am in Love ..

End of Food Journal & food fondness as well .... end of a lot many things...

So yes, I thought I would go on cooking forever and was very very excited for the first 2 months of my new life in US...away from India. My shiny new vessels, my own grocery shopping and picking up the choicest of proteins & colorful veggies.

It has come to a very peaceful & silent death. I did not even realize what happened or when.  Last I cooked was 5 days back... some daal.. and I eat it bit by bit .... not a care in the world of what it tastes like .... I have been out dining so frequently past few days, meat loafs and bacon beef sliders and shrimps ... my university dining is indeed very good at least for a red meat crazy Indian like me... but none of it has made it to my FB wall. Seriously find the facebook "delete profile" option very tempting these days.

These days... what has happened in these days. Work has increased yes, and I enjoy the work yes. Weather has improved a lot ..true. i found good music place... evenings and weekends are pleasant... no dearth of me time no more... its all me now... Perspectives have changed a lot. I am not a person who should stay away from family. I have not done it in 28 years. This should have been reason enough to realize that perhaps this was not such a great idea.

We do get told, beware of what you wish for wishes do come true and it is not as you want it to be or the best for you. Such wise words are never accepted. I wished for Bidesh. I fought for it. Slogged so hard for this life. To what do I owe this life.... Coming home to empty walls. Skype conversations.

This too shall pass. I will soon have my family here. Soon be happy for having people who would become my life. I cant stop wanting from life. I get one thing, I need the next. Yes, I am happy as long as I am out of my home. But when I am back... there is no home.

There are no more conversations. No more laughs or worries or tragedies. No more late night bike rides. No more of so many things. There is no me. There is no home. I dont know what I come back to. Welcome to the united states of America. A land of dreams ... i dont dream no more... 

Food Journal # 2 ... The Lows & Highs of Life in Kitchen

Lows are painfully tormenting to eat. With few weeks of kitchen stunts, confidence becomes the nemesis. What struck me I know not while i delved into making two of my most dreadful meals... I commend myself on finishing those in its entirety ... for the love of food...nothing edible goes into trash ... but ...the highs are what keeps me going :)

1. March 7th Meethi Roti ...

Well... this one wasn't so bad in taste as it was in labor ... what started as puran poli ended up being one big dough of everything... sauteed lentils with jaggery & ghee (both arrived from India with lots of love), refined flour and milk ... didn't ever have the patience of rolling and always made happy shapes..between my palms.. & roasted..sometimes burnt cookies..sometimes... weird tasting sweet breads...however...my meethi roti which my polite room mates too dared eating at times.. 

2. My mood on the March 11 ..

sometimes... when u r like crazy hungry... its best 2 get a burger or a bagel... as fast track mad cooking sucks! here is what you should not do... u should NOT ... saute cumin, garlic, chilies, tomatoes, banana chips (yea i know ...went crazy for a bit) .. and definitely not add water, rice flakes & wheat cereals to this already sad mess...but incase u are afflicted with the same madness that bit me a while ago...atleast make a reasonably small quantity and not like a full pot which will torment me for days now... grrr .

3. Salvation 2 minutes Kheer ... March 12

Saving grace from last night's disaster kitchen episode ... 

I so want to conceal this recipe and pretend to be this genius of "Kheer" maker, for those who do not know what this wonderful dish is... defining a kheer is difficult as it has considerable number of variations ...also called "Payasam or Payesh" ...this is a dessert made by condensing milk and adding aromatics to it along with natural sweeteners like jaggery or honey .. can be made like a porridge by addition of rice/vermicelli/tapioca beads or more... My 2 minute kheer recipe ... is ...heat some milk till it boils and add a pack of "Haldiram's Soan papdi" :) 

Awesomeness in 2 minutes ...

4. Made chicken ...  March 15

So ... the first time I made chicken (fatafatti chickener thang - previous blog ) ... my FB post's length irritated Akshay (hates reading ...alas!) & he promised me 1000 likes if i just wrote 2 words "made chicken" .. 

it's a lot of effort for just 2 words... heat mustard oil.. add crushed green cardamoms, cinnamon stick & bay leafs ... chopped onions and chicken (marinated in mustard oil, yogurt, garlic paste, tandoori masala, red chili crushed, lashn cha tikkhat*, coriander powder & salt for over an hour) .... add crushed tomatoes & diced potatoes, sugar and salt and reduce until chicken is cooked in its own juices... add water and kasturi methi ... bring the gravy to boil and serve with steamed rice ... :D

*lashn cha tikkha .. spicy masala from the hinterlands of maharashtra ... dessicated coconut, red chilies, garlic and some jaggery/sugar ... brings love to the meals..can be had as a chutney or added to recipes for that extra flavor..

5. Deem Kosha .... March 17

St. Patrick's Day... wish i had an Irish guy...drinking and dancing whole nite... my day went well... Deem Kosha is... simple bengali egg curry...

make a paste of onions, tomatoes & chillies. In the pan, heat mustard oil (i will miss my Tej shosher tel when it gets over) ... add crushed green cardamoms, cinnamon stick & bay leafs and cumin seeds. Next, crush ginger and garlic and add it along with the paste. Reduce the masala, add diced potatoes, salt & sugar, add boiled eggs and finish with fresh dhone pata (cilantro leaves) ... 

Happy meals.. to me.. 

Food Journal # 1 ... A Bong Surviving in US

7 weeks later, Unites States of America is finally settling in. I am home away from home. Should be no surprises that it took food to get me resolved. Food should be designated as a religion. It would be the best of all religions. I love food and I always knew this.  Well, now I love cooking too. What more, I love cooking for others. So, past few weeks have been very very tasty....

I commit myself to my first ever 'Food Journal' - perhaps infrequent, but a dedicated delicious series of write ups for all my culinary stunts to amuse my dearly awaited great grand children, should they care to know me more.

Prologue - 

What started as chips & milk whole day routines, extending to occasional maggi noodle days & rare mishap inedible cooking of dahi kadi and soggy rice has now been happily amended to delicious full course meals. 

I have few new people who don't mind being guineas to my efforts and thankfully none of them have yet been seriously ill or offended yet. 

So here goes, my beginning as a Cuisinier Délicieux 

7 Feb, 2015. Rajmah! ( mother of all red kidney beans)

This is my first ... overnite soaked beans boiled along with tomatoes, cinnamon sticks, whole cardamom, cloves, salt & sugar. Toss garlic, green chilies, onion, tomatoes, turmeric, cumin powder, salt & sugar. Add the beans & crush them. Sprinkle fresh cilantro, dollops of butter .. serve with bread/rice ...mix with yogurt.... have it your style!

14 Feb, 2015. Fatafatti Chickener Thang! (Spicy Chicken in Thick Green Gravy)  

My favorite! 5 chicken drums (leg pieces), cleaned & de-skinned, marinate over night with lemon juice, salt, little mustard oil, paste of garlic,chopped fresh green chillies, fresh coriander/cilantro leaves (dhone pata), fresh curd/plain yogurt & chicken tandoori masala... next day, saute garlic, green chillies, onion, tomatoes and lots of dhone pata in mustard oil, add the marinated chicken & cook until its completely boiled. Add water if needed. I had to add a bit. & Voila! crazy good meal ready. Serve with rice or just love eating it as is!

17 Feb, 2015.  Palak Daal (Lentils with Spinach)

So this evening.. I had the option of going home & again getting into that inescapable chore of cooking meals... or get into the exciting & power packed university gym ... doing zumba & yoga ... free sessions smile emoticon ... i feel so fit, refreshed & healthy now... my palak daal is so delicious tongue emoticon... spinach & lentils make gr8 combination... boil yellow lentils (any daal would do), with spinach & green chiilies... in d next pan... heat mustard oil...add jeera (cumin seeds), crushed garlic, chopped onions & saute well... add crushed tomatoes, turmeric & red chilli powder, salt & SUGAR .. cook until oil seeps & add the boiled lentil (daal) to the pan... add some water ... boil and ensure the tomato onion masala is blended well with the daal... & taa di da di daa.... its done! quite exhausting my work out has been.

24 Feb, 2015. Cabbage Manchurian

so .. after 24 hrs of mind prep & 2 hrs of actual physical labor... my cabbage manchurian is ...very simple.. grin emoticon 1 whole cabbage... cut in large pieces & boiled, drain the water (you can use the water later as vegetable stock for other recipes). Mash the cabbage with hand keeping it coarse & add 2 eggs, 1 full bulb of garlic (lots of garlic) finely chopped, 5-6 chopped green chillies, some refined flour (for binding) & salt as needed. Make small balls & deep fry till golden brown crust. Inside remains tender. In a different pan, make the gravy... heat oil & add finely chopped garlic, large chunks of onion, fresh cilantro leaves, soy sauce, tomato ketchup & chilli sauce (i used green chilli chutney)...add sugar & salt..saute & add little water... keep the gravy consistency thick...when the gravy simmers...add the fried cabbage balls & needless to say... Spettacolare!! smile emoticon Note: Addition of minced boiled meat/shrimps to the cabbage also possible.

1 March, 2015. Powerpack 5 minute Breakfast

Special day beginnings. Burnt garlic & sausages, with onions, spinach & fried eggs...all tossed in the pan.. sprinkle cheese... happy start to my sunday!

6 March 2015. Happy Holi Meal...

Moong daal & cauliflower seasoned with fried chillies, cumin & mustard seeds. Adding love to it with a very generous helping of butter.  Pahadi chicken ..marinate chicken with lots of cilantro, garlic, green chilies, yogurt, ground garam masala, mustard oil, salt & turmeric, deep fry with onions & tomatoes... Mix veg of beans, sweet corn and carrots tossed in noodles with basic spices & mash potatoes seasoned with mustard oil, green chilies, cilantro & onions (which should have been fried but never mind)  ... Happy servings of plain rice ..plus very happy conversations.. the bong adda!

Only because I had good people around me to share my meals, did my food really taste good.. with love .. for food... for the love of cooking!

Bon Apetite Mon Ami...

Bidesh

Just noticed the date of my last blog, 15th of December 2013.

I have been pretty busy. It takes a lot of work to get to the United States of America. Especially when there are like umteen jhols that need sorting.

From biotech to software testing and TCS days, to celebrity dazzled book launches & talk shows, tele series and FMCG brandings ... along with all the insane travelling and job switches...

I am back to biotech. school days... dancing...cooking...laughing...sometimes studying...& best of it... Unemployed!

In all, I had 6 jobs in India between 2009 and 2014. I guess the common denominator for all of them would be bosses who loved me a lot followed by doleful anguish for ditching them & quitting, damaging them always with the devilry I so love. Followed by the oh so ominous - ethics - speech!

To my beloved bosses, where is that so called "ethics" when you trim my pitiful pay checks for lateness by margin of minutes blaming the idiotic "digital time attendance recorder" & how is it that the idiotic recorder always fails to notice the out time & the illustrious "ethics" reciprocate efforts with silly appreciation emails worth dung followed by lament of bad economy.

So in essence, I have no regrets. Loved all my jobs. Loved every bit in India, till I realized, I could be a pain else where too. ;) Why be so selfishly racist and restrict the privileges of my heightened sense of labor laws to only my country men given that the world is ever in need of trouble makers.

Entropy you see, chaos is needed. And Chaos it has been, this across oceans journey. Securing bank loans, gathering marksheets & recommendations, swanking SOPs & CVs, forms & payments, tax -finance documentations, it is a whirlwind ride. I did it all. Wow! factor would be GRE math, or rather practicing math after 10 years. Joe - A toast to my teacher!

Battle of emotions.. trepidation of university rejection ... shock of acceptance ...dreadful visa interview and the horrific delay - administrative processing 221 G.

Gist of it all, after cancellation of best british airways tickets scheduled on 2015 January 12 and dejected postponing of my most anticipated travel to a 9 month late date in september, my F1 visa finally arrived 4 days before the last date of US entry mentioned in immigration document.

Yes, I did leave my country in 3 days time. Family shopping, friends packing, some very very important friends missing, barely spoken good byes and Bidesh!

Lufthansa got me to the land of dreams & for me, freedom on the evening of 18th January, 36 hours before my university start date. My welcome to this new country has been cold. Literally, with the first snow fall of the season, minus 20 degrees Celsius & ice sheets 2 feet high, 2015 a new year...new life!!

People earn what they deserve...

Recent turn of events has imposed this line of thought upon me in a mannerism I find revolting. 'People earn what they deserve'. No. This statement is evidence of epitome stupidity.

Fighting with people out & out demanding better living conditions does not suffice. Cribbing about the lost virtues of humanity & being a socialist zealot is all seemingly a facade. Losing people around myself, being told to come back to reality, such redundant speeches.

Escaping won't do good no more. It is indeed naive though that there still exists a school of thought that people earn what they deserve. People don't.

I am in Kolkata. I still see people pulling hand rickshaws. Just today, for again the nth time, felt guilty of my weight. I paid him double, still no escaping the fact 100 rs. for bearing me cannot be enough. Could I have paid more? yes. Did I? No.

Why? Just not sure. Not sure how much would be enough. My limited money was dear to me. He was less important than me. Just then, came flashing back, a remark which brought me crashing to the ground reality of the people in position of power, of affluence. People like me, we still somewhere believe, that people earn what they deserve.

Such utter rubbish. No one earns what they deserve. People earn what they possible can by suffocating their morale, killing their sense of empathy and  the ache of guilt knowing full well what they earn is unjust.  I cannot earn 10 times more than my janitor, no matter what. He does a more important job of keeping my toilet disease free & therefore me healthy. What the hell do I do? Push papers so some one somewhere can push some more papers & some corporate can sell some more fancy waste & con some more idiots.

Dil se, pyaar mohhabat se, do i really believe we would not survive the 21st century minus McDs & Dominoes.

I did nothing past 5 years, absolutely nothing credible to give me the sum I earned. Pushing papers, only coz. my father could afford fancy schools. What I don't get however is this, Why does something so obvious, so plebeian bother me at all. It is a very known fact.

Wealth is unequally distributed, we know that. Within the same realm of this vintage city, I have witnessed families of the raj era, politicians with their so called 'love money' from their patrons, 14 hr dog day slaves who get told on paper that their line of duty is from 9 - 5, yet get idiotic smart phones, fancy pant laptops & other devices to hook them 24X7, plus credit cards & greasy secretaries & ofcourse the ever charming boss, who inspires the slave. We have businesses run by the Sahib with the labor of the refugees, we have workshops fuelled by the mistries whose toil gets blurred beneath the smog of union politics.

It is fine to really splurge if you can. I love wearing my diamond nose pin. It is tiny, but it is my pride & ofcourse a luxury which I can do well without & pay my house help a bit more.

So why the hell I am trying to prove I am a cut above the rest, when I too am the same sleaze bag. Perhaps, all I am trying to say is that, it is ok to be bad. Just admit it. About time I give up preaching what needs to be done to make this world a better place to live. It is hopeless for I cant manage the standards myself. But no one earns what they deserve. No one deserves 100 rs. for dragging 70Kgs for full length of an hour.  This I admit & pray people realize & stop being so smug about their pay checks.

Despite all of it, my gurer shondesh & multitude of machh continues. Nor will I lessen my food intake, nor will I lose weight, plus I will still ride rickshaws & pay them abysmally low. Likewise, corporates will chase high end realty, Porsche & Lamborghini will still be sold and minimum wage rate figure will keep declining and working hours will steadily increase. 12 hrs just not enough if my  father ain't Richie rich.

People dont earn what they deserve. People earn what they can scavenge. It is a dog fight.  A toss of a dice which puts you in a rickshaw dragging line, a B school, a politicians lineage or a kendriya vidyalay with god fearing parenting efforts.

Need a definition of human beings. It just seems too blurred with so many contending species.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world. ;D

Prostitution is my Profession

It's a fact. No metaphors here. Consider it yourself as I lay the facts of my job profile. But before that, there needs to be a consensus on the definition of prostitution. Going with the lexicography here, the definition is crystal clear - "Offering sexual intercourse for pay".  

With the advent of refined linguists who find a... umm ...how shall I put it... say a "cool" term for everything, English has become a very convenient language. So this above definition of prostitution having severe words like "Sexual Intercouse" can simply be  re-phrased as "Getting fucked for pay", fuck being the finest (yet obviously inadequate) word to describe ......................   like I said... words are simply pointless here.....

So now back to the point as to how I ended up being a prostitute. Meanwhile, a lot many people are also in the same profession and blissfully unaware of it. My only intent is to help them come to terms with this realization and thereby increase the respect quotient of this ultimate profession. I am as you know, always up and ready for charity. 

So, how does one become a prostitute at all. Simple, they get fucked and get paid for it. I know I have already mentioned this. And so what! The redundancy is only evidence of my need to emphasize the basic fact. Not a day goes by that I don't get fucked! every single day.. almost every single hour.. I am fucked. By a lot of people. And after each month end, I get paid. So, obviously, that makes me a prostitute. 

And a lot more than sometimes I even enjoy it. There's the thrill of new client, the excitement of exploring the avenues to please him, the silly moments of blush on his pleasing remarks, the kindness of my pimps (AKA managers/bosses) who would go to any length to make sure that their clients are satisfied. Gradually, I start seeing their point and also aspire for this job. The pay at the level of pimp is splendid but what's even better is the huge gratification of EGO! Oh! How powerful, how successful it must feel to prostrate us, prostitutes, to the big clients. Just like the dog who is happiest when fetching the ball for his master. The ball is tightly clenched in the dog's jaws; the prostitutes are wickedly held by the pimps, he.... who is so easily snared by his master, the client's fat pay check!

Consider this, the client too is the pimp to many as well as the prostitute to most above him. It is a vicious circle. We all get fucked. Always. It has been the hallmark of my life post graduation. The only gradient is in the quality of brothels. The smaller ones care to have a health card and offer some rest time ofcourse as their clients are neither in magnitudes of insanity nor do they pay in heap. But still, the charity and homeliness is welcome. The more glorious the brothels, the feeble are the prospects of fun. It's all work at the big firms.

But don't we all find sex worth it all. We can't really imagine a life of chastity now can we. We can stay home, be with one man, not be demanding, I mean, between the combined wealth of the world, do we really need to be in this profession! Don't we grow enough food, have enough medicines, enough cloths for all. 

Still we choose to get fucked. Ok, agreed! Most do. And then there are the monks. The self liberated, globe trotting, back packing free spirits who reveal to us what our true self is. It ain't that they don't get fucked and all... They do. They too succumb to the pointless, meaningless chores of ass licking and ....(I intend to be polite here)... but they have reached a level of detachment which is most alluring.

3 years.. of getting fucked and paid. Some people truly claim job satisfaction. I am so surprised at this. I mean, it has to be the factor of orgasm. True, if your clients are fun, why not! I too have amazing bouts of being elated at my profession. But, it is prostitution. So straight forward and downright true. I am a prostitute. End of each day, my body hurts, my mind is sagged, I just need sleep, I feel so unnecessarily used, I find the pay often meager, more often than not I worry about the consequences of protection back-firing (the days when you do everything right & still day ends hell). It is all for money. 

And what do I do with that money? Buy cloths, toys ...so on & so forth.  Look pretty, pretend to be polished. Go home to my family who look up at me with tenderness and pity. For they know, what I do for living. Born a slave. Serving this pimp of a system. Serving the client of godliness & 'working hard' virtues. and we celebrate the same. 14 hour shifts, bitchy competitions, silly criticisms, diet food, promise of great future, fake appraisals & a huge ego... all leads to the perfect ambiance for the perfect fuck! and ... you get paid.

But make no mistake... performance is everything! Fuck! 

All for the love of sex. Hail Prostitution. Hail Capitalism. Say yes to more money and work more. Always feel cheap & insecure. Always want to break free & realize there is no place to go. Pretend to be satisfied. Splurge in the toys & on the boys. Look great .... Live & want to die... just great!

আকাশের দিকে তাকাই ..

আমি কি  চাই ... 

আমি  কোথায়  যাই ...

শুদু  ভেবে  ভেবে  ...

আকাশের  দিকে  তাকাই ..

কত  কিছু  যে  জানতাম  না ...

জানলে  কি  কিছু  পাল্টাতে  পারতাম ?..

প্রশ্ন  যে  ইতঃ  করি ...

উত্তরের  কি  সত্তি  অপেক্হা করি ...

একে  দেখি ...তাকে  দেখি ...

মনে  হয় .. সবাই .. সুখী ...

ইশ ... আমারো ঐটা  করা  উচিত  ছিল ...

ওই  বয়েসে ... ওখানে  থাকাতা  ঠিক  ছিল ..

ফিরে  তাকানোর  যে  যুক্তি  নেই ..

কিকরে  মন  কে  বোঝাই ...

আগে  কি  হবে  ভেবে  ভেবে ...

হাসি  হারানোর  যে  যুক্তি  নেই ...

কিকরে  মন  কে  বোঝাই ...

টাকার  দিকে  ছুটতে  চাইনা ...

ভালবাসার  স্বপ্ন  দেখিনা ...

চেষ্টা  করি  হাসতে ..গান...খাবার .. বয়ি  নিয়ে  বাচতে ..

তবুও  তো  লোভের  তেকে  নিজেকে  বাচাতে  পারিনা ..

সবি  চাই ... অথচ  কিচুহী  চাইনা ..

হয়ত  বুঝি  যে  কিছু  হি  পাব  না  ...চে  লাভ  নেই ..

চেষ্টা  করতে  ভয়  তা  কোথায় ... বুঝিয়ে  লাভ  নেই ..

আকাশের  দিকে  তাকায়  

আমি  যা  চাই .... জানি  তো  পাবনা ..

হাসি  ... রোজ  হাসি ..

একটা  মিতথে  স্বপ্ন  নিয়ে  বাঁচি ...

যদি  পে জয়ী ... 

আকাশের  দিকে  তাকাই ..