Infidelity

[Oct 4, 2015, 8:03 PM] - Written long ago, perhaps was too scared of the world to post it then. 
Today, I am successful. 
I have it all. I care not. 
I question freely everything the world believes .. 

Infidelity 

I fell in love when I was 19 with a guy in high school. He never loved me back though. I am still convinced, I love him and it's 10 years since. I am acquainted with him now and Was foolish enough to tell him about my feelings. Now I am friends with his wife and sometimes I speak to him on different pretexts. He still makes me smile without any efforts. 

I have since then ..met more men, enjoyed toying with them. Broken few hearts ... Have also been hurt myself in this process. Another friend of mine .. Is getting married very soon and I am again convinced I love him. So it hurts. But then I ask myself, if I am given a wish to have all I want, would i want a life with him? 

The answer scares me. The answer is no. I am not so much in love with anyone yet to not explore love more. There are these intense moments of need and all my energy is focused on this one being... One man...And either I live it or I allow it to wither.. But then, I move on. 

Have I thought of other man when i was with one, yes. Does it mean that I did not love him enough... I loved him at that moment .. But that is my reality ... It is all in the moment ... I am doing that now... At this very moment ... I love you...and we cherish our minds ... Our bodies ...our talks range from stars in the sky to the bees in the garden ...and we dance and sing and we wake up together .. Brew our coffee and share breakfast... And then we kiss good bye ... Until next time .. If ever there is a next time ... Who knows ... This moment is true .. But promises are not a part of it ... A wanderer .. An explorer... A heartbreaker ... A rebel... A seeker ... A lover ...

I know this that my love is true ... It is selfless and all giving ... It is infinite .. Just ..there are no demands I make of you ... Apart from your free will of being here with me... Knowing ... I might not be with you any more than this moment of truth...  My love is not confined ... It is free and soars high above rules ... When I am in you .. And you are in me... Do we really think of anything that is untrue .. Do we realize of an existence of a society .. And do we feel compelled to give names to our feelings ... Can we think at all ..  I don't really recall any thought ... It all seems to be a blurry vision of infinite happiness .. If happiness could be seen at all... Yet .. I go through this condemnation... This dark alley ... Where I am branded as being cruel ... I understand my walking a path unknown ... Unsure of destination.. Insecure....But I never asked for comforts ... And I don't wish for labels ... Why then what my mind rejoices in and my body is ecstatic about and it is all but pleasure and generosity... Why do you tell me it is ... Infidelity..

Releasing Toxic Thoughts

Measles is back ...even Polio is on the rise. Let’s hope yellow fever and plague joins the party .. the stupidity of humanity needs massive eradication measures. Looking forward to a more depressed needle using genY. Absolutely brilliant way of world this is!

Please can we have some more genocides too.. and religious bigots, where are your army men! And can we please further subsidize tobacco and legalize heroin?

It is a pathological state of mind to fear death of a loved one. This fear leads no where. I look forward to death as freedom. I seek it for myself and for all my loved ones. It would mean an end. I care not the form or the time of it.

Therefore I choose to live every moment I breath in happiness and wherever possible, kindness.

Sometimes I do feel like throwing a paper weight across the hall at an idiot who peeved me. But such moments have its charm.

7 billion is just too many. Culling of massive proportions needed. 

Inadequacy - A feeling of perpetual sinking

Does this happen to all?

Or is it another kind of greed? I wouldn’t ever bother refiguring my way of life as it is in every sense of the word, perfect. 

I walk by a cafe and sense the amazingness of the people. I am at Harvard Square. The premier society of socialists and scientists. Kindness and brilliance. My conversations enrich me everyday. Even if Everyone is really a stranger.  

Last year, when I moved into my home, it was way above my affordability. But I saw the potential. All I had to do was wear it out the first year and then refigure the rent split, find people with Dogs and build a home. Yes it was a stress, but now I have it as I want it. 

This is how it has always been. I decide what I want to do and then it takes me a nightmare to get there. But I do get there. Or, so far have been getting there. 

Here, it’s a default expectation that I too am a Harvard or if not, certainly an MIT affiliate. Truth is I am not. I never was any good of an academic cadre to begin with. India taught me a lot and the best bit was resilience and the art of surviving the strongest of tides. But I never won awards or held ranks in schools and my school isn’t even famous in India, let alone this whole wide world.

My journey to US is still so much of a good fiction in its core elements. I had no means, no rich uncles living in foreign lands to cover tuition and definitely no genius in my head. How did I get here? Thankfully I had a very very bold family who took the risks and fortunate enough to be born in a country which had systemic corruption. Yes, I owe my life of dignity, honesty, credibility and uprightness to the fruits of endless lies and corruption. 

What lies? Lies that I could afford living in USA and provide collateral for my huge loan. How did I do that? I did not have any home nor did my father. We were tenants. Try getting a long term student visa and loan with no permanent home address! 

In India, for every one thing that can’t be done officially, there are many ways of doing it unofficially. Thank god for that! 

Faked a permanent residential address with help of a very sympathetic and kind and unscrupulous bank manager who knew the system loop holes and assembled a loan of $35,000 USD without a collateral. Faked my financial assets with help of certified tax consultant, bloated my gold reserves by borrowing jewelry from friends and taking loads of cash to store in savings account for just a balance statement. 

In all of this, it took a very kind and loving village to have this girl cross the border. Everyone who partook in these shades of greying deals is by the standards of west, a failed human being. And yet, each one is my hero. Many in the west do not know what it is to not have. There is a lot of suffering here too. A lot of children buried under debt. It takes a huge toll on them to survive the scrutiny of the world here. But they do not have the loopholes which I had the privilege of exploiting to become a better me. My hypocrisy amazes me. 

And one other thing that amazes me is, the sheer amount of opportunities here in US. Back home, the only way to "Have" is to take it from someone else. Honest labor has no value. Simply because there are just endless masses of human beings in honest labor. It’s not regarded as anything big deal. You need labor a lot of it, endless hours of it, devoid of any need for life, forget ergonomic environment, clean air is a myth and healthy food and “me” time is missing in its entirety. 

There is a lot of fun at home though. In extreme apathy, humor is the only escape. Unhealthy food is always delicious and since everyone is grinding and groveling, no one feels left out or inadequate. 

Everyone is more or less happy and there is a lot of support to just get by. US scares me. I don’t see any support should i fail. I also don’t see any corruption to give me any advantage over others. And while that may be a great thing in general and not my concern for now, as I am successful.  

But what if I fail? What happens when I stop becoming amazing? What if I just want to slow down a bit or just get exhausted or even bored for a while? In a society where only extreme competence and super intelligence is rewarded and everything else is a baggage, what fate does it hold for the non conformists. 

I miss never being able to quit to travel. I fear falling ill. And even with the most kindest of managers, I worry sharing my fears, what if they are just a baggage. What if I am just a liability in a delusion of being an asset?

So rule of life is be best to live best else wither away.  Failure is to Be Gone and be lost into nothingness. You will have friends and lovers only for the success that you are. Your failure and loneliness has no shelter. It is a life of dread and a sign of weakness to feel this impending inadequacy. Finding a therapist to boost morale, taking pills to feel the upside, finding successful projects to keep going. Do everything that can be done to not miss a step. No one has a choice anymore. 

I cannot deny my deep sadness for never having the courage to be around children. All I see is sadness and gloom for the world they are going to inherit and the pain that will be their perpetuity. Irony remains, if the children grow up to be oblivious to the apathy around them which is the fate of all save the elite 1%, that is another darkness the world cannot bear. No children for me, and it hurts me. 

Kindness, empathy, spirituality and happiness is only worth a dime when accompanied with the made up social dignity. A homeless man’s wondrous music is worth few pennies and more disgust in general.  Such is life! 

I am happy

You worry 

I resolve

You share fears

I share faith

You are insecure

I am confident

You break

I build

You are divisive

I am constructive

You pretend concern

I am kind & concerned

You are tired

I am drained

You are sad

I am happy

I am happy

I am happy

You have a home 

I don't 

I am happy

I am happy

You are rich

I am broke

I am happy

I am happy

I am happy

You cause suffering

I suffer and yet

I am happy

I am not sorry

I am happy

You are unreal

I am naked and visible

You are lost

I am light

You are shrinking 

I am surfing

You will diminish 

I will preserve 

I am happy

Cancer & Care

Do we really care? Do we even understand the implications of our today’s decisions or rather our indecisiveness. We as a society are drawn more and more towards distractions. The sum total of our social responsibilities comes down to viewing select few documentaries and commenting on the myriad social media platforms of how we are really moved. Yet, our daily life remains unmoved. Until a point comes and when we really get hit hard. 

Past one year, I am amidst the statistics of rare cancer. Cancer is a term collectively used for 400 types of different malignant diseases. 380 of these types are rare. 1 in 3 victims of cancer are diagnosed of this rare type. In the year 2018, USA documented almost 3 million cancer patients and 550,000 of these patients were rare cancers. 

We want to believe our way of world is fine and all shall be well. Tell that to the parents who are living in the hospitals with their children undergoing chemo or radiation. What does it take for us to stop children being treated as guinea pigs by doctors who are limited in their understanding of the rare cancer volcanic landscape not intentionally but because as a society we have failed to arm them with adequate information. Accurate diagnosis is hard due to inefficient infrastructure of molecular level screens. There is no consistency within the medical community on a host of cancers regarding the best treatment regiment. Specialists are unaffordable for many without top line insurance coverage. 

I am often asked why can’t I prioritize the rare cancers since there are already so many cardiac and diabetic researches going on. Or for that matter, Breast and lung cancer therapies are abundant. My only response is there is no profit. 

Health care industry can only benefit from a diseased society. Clean air, purified water, nutrient rich natural diet and a regularly exercising stress free population will eventually cause nightmares for hundreds of CEOs. We are happy to be glued to ever aspiring TV shows, dismal political conflicts, buying our sodas and sweetened cheap fast food and paying for our weakening health. Everything I have written so far is all well known to all. Writing doesn’t matter no more. Feelings and emotions become redundant. Getting in the field to make an effort to do something has only taught me the investor dot com mentality of immediate gratifications and fast turning of profits with ever increasing margins. Make no mistake, even the mightiest of benefactors with their full page articles of generosity only back the horse ready to win the clinical trials. If you have a target candidate to take to the patients, then will the money roll and that too after the profit pie is adequately divided. 

The journey from nothingness to identifying the potential target requires a massive research infrastructure. The labs with its invitro 2D & 3D cultures and new age reagents, the rodent proof of concept studies, the need for people often pulling genius rabbit ideas out of their really poor hats all the time keeping the spirits high. A rare cancer startup is where I have learned more about caring and truly being meaningful. Living with caregivers of patients and being led by a survivor, this journey marks a new hope. This is the 20th of April, 2019. I am forced to become a better person and keep my selfish needs to myself just this once for the greater good. I want to believe I can do this and not run away again as is my habit of escape. I escaped India to avoid drowning in the endless apathy. This time it’s different. Today I feel I may have a fighting chance. 

Here is a toast to hope! 

On Loyalty

Often a hugely difficult state of mind and life. What is loyalty? Defined as a strong feeling of support and allegiance, misplaced loyalty and divided sense of belonging is plaguing this world. Or is this plague just in my world?

To be true to my own self is to find the best that is for me. The best for me now happens to be whatever my loved ones need. My most loved one, my mother needs me with her. I do not want that and so where is my loyalty?

I want to be free of restraints and travel with my head held high. I want to love more, explore it all and this leads to more infidelity. I love intimacy and this breaks more hearts. The idea of continuity is so elusive to my mind, so fragile an entity, please can someone explain me loyalty?

I am loyal to my friends and dote on children. I do not want any family of mine anymore for I fear never having enough of anything for them. I fear passing on my imperfections, I fear their critical reviews on my failures as a parent. I do not know where to hide my insecurities for the fatigue of faking it every moment is so real. I do not like this world and so I feel its time to end it all. 

I wish I never knew love and selfless giving. I find all of my thoughts and words confusing me every day more. It would be a happiness to stop chasing a dream. What is this white American lie that I am forcing myself to fit in? It is not my music nor my flavors, I miss my garden fragrances, and yet the lure of money I barely save keeps gratifying a senseless pride. 

Who am I loyal to and what have I become? What do I want to do and who should I turn to? Is this a cry for help and is it time to spend my wages on a therapist? 

I write this when my life is near perfect. I am 32 years of age, employed in a Boston Biotech working with some brilliant people. I recently bought an apartment in my city of joy, kolkata and I can afford the monthly mortgage with ease while living in my harvard square fancy leased space. I own a car, I received the H1B in a Trump Era. Point being, when I read my life in another 20 years, this day should seem silly. 

There is no reason for any conflicts. Parents do become old and illness makes them weep. Life goes on and there are millions of migrants. Why is my split of sentiments any more valid than rest? While the world wages war, I am at peace. Or, I should be at peace.  

It is but a chance to be born in any geography. True curse is to have to be driven away from those lands far off. And yet the very effort of leaving the more familiar geography leads to so much more. Such enrichment in experiences. So much wonders to explore. Also the loneliness. A curse so coveted. Loyalty confuses me so much. Patriotism is a form of ego must to abjure and never to imprint. And here I am craving home. 

No, I don't just crave my family and time with them. I want my home. I also want my first world privileges and this is where the world divides. I want it all tonight!

I don't want to Fight Climate Change

I don't want to "FIGHT" the climate change. It is not a fight. A fight always divides people into 2 groups (For & Against). And we do have this division across the world right now which needs to be addressed first. Climate change cannot have anyone, not even a single child, man, women or our friends from the transgender or as I like to say (gender bias free) citizens in the "Against" team. Also, we cannot put a resistance against a natural calamity so it is not a fight of human beings vs. nature. It is just not a fight! It is a tragedy we all need to survive with our hopes intact and head held high.

As like any tragedy, an obvious reaction is "Denial". This is the challenge I want to address. The only problem is communication. The reason why a lot of people (including Trump) are behaving carefree is because of the general human tendency - "It is not in my backyard hence not my problem"

Let's be real here, if we burn all the coals and dump all nauseating elements in our environment, we will still hold good for another few hundred years. And most people who refuse to acknowledge the real threats of the climate change are people who probably don't care what happens to anyone after their lifetime.

Profit is a strong motivation and there are just not enough incentives to make people who don't care about the environment, start caring because we expect them to do so. Best analogy I can come up with, a person contemplating suicide will not change his /her thoughts if we just tell them or and brute force won't work. We have to mold their thoughts and that will take time and constant action involving a lot of direct contact.

Global warming and climate change is a discussion which firstly needs to be free of blame games. We are all equally responsible. Next, we need to stop expecting equal financial contributions from all nations and likewise equal sense of responsibility from all nationalities. Not everyone is actualized and a highly qualified person need not be socially conscious. Likewise a rural kid with no access to information might be more sensitive to our cause.

So in essence, I want to be a part of a team which understands the people we have to work with (which includes everyone who hates us), speak to them in the language they understand and provide enough incentives and information to change their mindset. We have limited funds and limited availability of people. I hope my message gets through. We need to be more aware of whom we are talking to and be sensitive to the language we use.

Best Regards,
Deboshree
Massachusetts, USA