Often a hugely difficult state of mind and life. What is loyalty? Defined as a strong feeling of support and allegiance, misplaced loyalty and divided sense of belonging is plaguing this world. Or is this plague just in my world?
To be true to my own self is to find the best that is for me. The best for me now happens to be whatever my loved ones need. My most loved one, my mother needs me with her. I do not want that and so where is my loyalty?
I want to be free of restraints and travel with my head held high. I want to love more, explore it all and this leads to more infidelity. I love intimacy and this breaks more hearts. The idea of continuity is so elusive to my mind, so fragile an entity, please can someone explain me loyalty?
I am loyal to my friends and dote on children. I do not want any family of mine anymore for I fear never having enough of anything for them. I fear passing on my imperfections, I fear their critical reviews on my failures as a parent. I do not know where to hide my insecurities for the fatigue of faking it every moment is so real. I do not like this world and so I feel its time to end it all.
I wish I never knew love and selfless giving. I find all of my thoughts and words confusing me every day more. It would be a happiness to stop chasing a dream. What is this white American lie that I am forcing myself to fit in? It is not my music nor my flavors, I miss my garden fragrances, and yet the lure of money I barely save keeps gratifying a senseless pride.
Who am I loyal to and what have I become? What do I want to do and who should I turn to? Is this a cry for help and is it time to spend my wages on a therapist?
I write this when my life is near perfect. I am 32 years of age, employed in a Boston Biotech working with some brilliant people. I recently bought an apartment in my city of joy, kolkata and I can afford the monthly mortgage with ease while living in my harvard square fancy leased space. I own a car, I received the H1B in a Trump Era. Point being, when I read my life in another 20 years, this day should seem silly.
There is no reason for any conflicts. Parents do become old and illness makes them weep. Life goes on and there are millions of migrants. Why is my split of sentiments any more valid than rest? While the world wages war, I am at peace. Or, I should be at peace.
It is but a chance to be born in any geography. True curse is to have to be driven away from those lands far off. And yet the very effort of leaving the more familiar geography leads to so much more. Such enrichment in experiences. So much wonders to explore. Also the loneliness. A curse so coveted. Loyalty confuses me so much. Patriotism is a form of ego must to abjure and never to imprint. And here I am craving home.
No, I don't just crave my family and time with them. I want my home. I also want my first world privileges and this is where the world divides. I want it all tonight!
