I wrote more than a few words...which I hated...so made an attempt to delete these... but as like any mother... i feel the pain of losing a child... my own creation...so instead... i am creating a best of my own.. in my own opinion... and keeping the rest till date... here....
Tried to erase.... but love held me back......
1) So why "Fragranceexotic"...??
I have been attempting to write for quite some years now.... surprisingly.. today I got asked about my nom de plume ... Surprised because someone actually showed some interest. Feels really good...
I thought of convincing this admirer that Jasmine emanates from my very skin...Alas!! Sincerely lying is a trick I have yet to master.
Truth be told, I am brilliant when it comes to being an Idler. Tom Hodgekinson must offer me permanent designation in his work place. I live his philosophy. So as nature goes, bathing et cetera has seldom been a priority. Deodrants and perfumes seemingly waste of money ergo my body odour was hard to ignore during my late graduating years.... My growing up days went merrily with my friends loving me selflessly and thereby suffering happily... I smell exotic.. usual proclamation ... :-)
Fragrance Exotic... I so named my blog... starting with all that went on after my college years...
There goes... an honest confession...Love is true love only when it is enduringly selfless.
2) About me.. in all honesty..
I am sure I cannot handle this.
I am a messed up person. I live by my mistakes. Never regretted any. School and college were my best days. It taught me to lead and that flavor of leading is ingrained in me. I cannot be a mute follower any more. Corporate life disgusts me. I cannot make a living by lying. Incapable of pleasing people whom I disapprove of. I don't dislike people in general. Friendly to all, friends to very very few people. But, my good opinion, once lost is lost forever.
My work place was for a long time the one sphere where even leading is insufferable. The very environment, a plague. Never understood the logic of cut throat competition. I never understood financial constrains. Fancy clothing.. jewelery.. gadgets... I find them all mundane.. comfort is my bible word. When i need money I borrow, when I have money I splurge. Irresponsible, yet accountable.
Last few months have been disgusting.. Why am I even telling myself this.. perhaps I shall realize.. perhaps I wont... things seem ok now.. I quit being the boss and now am the low lying rookie..utterly penniless .. a liability.
I loved college... I joined it ... not for career... I cared a damn about being an engineer or an officer... wanted to just chill... but science had to be the choice... Bong ego was at stake. I worship my community and yes I am a racist...
Past 3 years have all been about escaping....escaping work, escaping family, escaping friends and most certainly, escaping love and marriage....
I agree... I need someone by my side too...but...
It's not the one who is pretty...nor wise one either. Not the one who makes me laugh or takes me places. Definitely not the person who promises my liberty or assures my dreams. Cannot be the one who finds himself an authority to judge me, can't be my boss. Not the one who allows me to be the boss.
Is there a witness, just an observer who knows I can fail even though I try hard not to. Will allow me to cry and not tell me to stop. Won't preach. Won't tell me 'I told you so'.
Is selflessness restricted to bloodline alone? Can caring for the sick really be a matter of choice?
I could have kept quiet... held my emotions... of how love affects me... could have schemed .... tried to play it cool... hoping... devising means to play people.... but... I don't deserve schemes.... it is beneath me to beguile myself....
I am perhaps loved ... surely I hurt people... It is too immense for me to contemplate living with some one for years and really be glad about it. I haven't been able to feel the same for my own people. Some days are great.. some gruesome.... It seems.... this is life... sacrifice and compromise.. and be glad for the days you get to laugh because.. it's a privilege to be happy... not a right....I disagree..
I am happy... shall be happy.. solitude is happy... so is freedom... As for love... the cynic in me says it's some insane idiot's pathetic sense of humor. The truth is... I need to find that observer... to whom I can be honest.. more so than to myself... who can see me ... see through my lies.. my smiles.. allow me to just be the child I so long to be..
I will go back to school soon .. for sure... be an academic... study whatever I want.... Study history, politics, psychology, social studies and even math...why the damn do I hate math..? I won't study to earn ... I don't like earning and yet I need to spend... there again.. a liability...me.
I need to break free ...need to stop pretending... to be all ok...atleast to someone...
Tried to erase.... but love held me back......
1) So why "Fragranceexotic"...??
I have been attempting to write for quite some years now.... surprisingly.. today I got asked about my nom de plume ... Surprised because someone actually showed some interest. Feels really good...
I thought of convincing this admirer that Jasmine emanates from my very skin...Alas!! Sincerely lying is a trick I have yet to master.
Truth be told, I am brilliant when it comes to being an Idler. Tom Hodgekinson must offer me permanent designation in his work place. I live his philosophy. So as nature goes, bathing et cetera has seldom been a priority. Deodrants and perfumes seemingly waste of money ergo my body odour was hard to ignore during my late graduating years.... My growing up days went merrily with my friends loving me selflessly and thereby suffering happily... I smell exotic.. usual proclamation ... :-)
Fragrance Exotic... I so named my blog... starting with all that went on after my college years...
There goes... an honest confession...Love is true love only when it is enduringly selfless.
2) About me.. in all honesty..
I am sure I cannot handle this.
I am a messed up person. I live by my mistakes. Never regretted any. School and college were my best days. It taught me to lead and that flavor of leading is ingrained in me. I cannot be a mute follower any more. Corporate life disgusts me. I cannot make a living by lying. Incapable of pleasing people whom I disapprove of. I don't dislike people in general. Friendly to all, friends to very very few people. But, my good opinion, once lost is lost forever.
My work place was for a long time the one sphere where even leading is insufferable. The very environment, a plague. Never understood the logic of cut throat competition. I never understood financial constrains. Fancy clothing.. jewelery.. gadgets... I find them all mundane.. comfort is my bible word. When i need money I borrow, when I have money I splurge. Irresponsible, yet accountable.
Last few months have been disgusting.. Why am I even telling myself this.. perhaps I shall realize.. perhaps I wont... things seem ok now.. I quit being the boss and now am the low lying rookie..utterly penniless .. a liability.
I loved college... I joined it ... not for career... I cared a damn about being an engineer or an officer... wanted to just chill... but science had to be the choice... Bong ego was at stake. I worship my community and yes I am a racist...
Past 3 years have all been about escaping....escaping work, escaping family, escaping friends and most certainly, escaping love and marriage....
I agree... I need someone by my side too...but...
It's not the one who is pretty...nor wise one either. Not the one who makes me laugh or takes me places. Definitely not the person who promises my liberty or assures my dreams. Cannot be the one who finds himself an authority to judge me, can't be my boss. Not the one who allows me to be the boss.
Is there a witness, just an observer who knows I can fail even though I try hard not to. Will allow me to cry and not tell me to stop. Won't preach. Won't tell me 'I told you so'.
Is selflessness restricted to bloodline alone? Can caring for the sick really be a matter of choice?
I could have kept quiet... held my emotions... of how love affects me... could have schemed .... tried to play it cool... hoping... devising means to play people.... but... I don't deserve schemes.... it is beneath me to beguile myself....
I am perhaps loved ... surely I hurt people... It is too immense for me to contemplate living with some one for years and really be glad about it. I haven't been able to feel the same for my own people. Some days are great.. some gruesome.... It seems.... this is life... sacrifice and compromise.. and be glad for the days you get to laugh because.. it's a privilege to be happy... not a right....I disagree..
I am happy... shall be happy.. solitude is happy... so is freedom... As for love... the cynic in me says it's some insane idiot's pathetic sense of humor. The truth is... I need to find that observer... to whom I can be honest.. more so than to myself... who can see me ... see through my lies.. my smiles.. allow me to just be the child I so long to be..
I will go back to school soon .. for sure... be an academic... study whatever I want.... Study history, politics, psychology, social studies and even math...why the damn do I hate math..? I won't study to earn ... I don't like earning and yet I need to spend... there again.. a liability...me.
I need to break free ...need to stop pretending... to be all ok...atleast to someone...
