Does this happen to all?
Or is it another kind of greed? I wouldn’t ever bother refiguring my way of life as it is in every sense of the word, perfect.
I walk by a cafe and sense the amazingness of the people. I am at Harvard Square. The premier society of socialists and scientists. Kindness and brilliance. My conversations enrich me everyday. Even if Everyone is really a stranger.
Last year, when I moved into my home, it was way above my affordability. But I saw the potential. All I had to do was wear it out the first year and then refigure the rent split, find people with Dogs and build a home. Yes it was a stress, but now I have it as I want it.
This is how it has always been. I decide what I want to do and then it takes me a nightmare to get there. But I do get there. Or, so far have been getting there.
Here, it’s a default expectation that I too am a Harvard or if not, certainly an MIT affiliate. Truth is I am not. I never was any good of an academic cadre to begin with. India taught me a lot and the best bit was resilience and the art of surviving the strongest of tides. But I never won awards or held ranks in schools and my school isn’t even famous in India, let alone this whole wide world.
My journey to US is still so much of a good fiction in its core elements. I had no means, no rich uncles living in foreign lands to cover tuition and definitely no genius in my head. How did I get here? Thankfully I had a very very bold family who took the risks and fortunate enough to be born in a country which had systemic corruption. Yes, I owe my life of dignity, honesty, credibility and uprightness to the fruits of endless lies and corruption.
What lies? Lies that I could afford living in USA and provide collateral for my huge loan. How did I do that? I did not have any home nor did my father. We were tenants. Try getting a long term student visa and loan with no permanent home address!
In India, for every one thing that can’t be done officially, there are many ways of doing it unofficially. Thank god for that!
Faked a permanent residential address with help of a very sympathetic and kind and unscrupulous bank manager who knew the system loop holes and assembled a loan of $35,000 USD without a collateral. Faked my financial assets with help of certified tax consultant, bloated my gold reserves by borrowing jewelry from friends and taking loads of cash to store in savings account for just a balance statement.
In all of this, it took a very kind and loving village to have this girl cross the border. Everyone who partook in these shades of greying deals is by the standards of west, a failed human being. And yet, each one is my hero. Many in the west do not know what it is to not have. There is a lot of suffering here too. A lot of children buried under debt. It takes a huge toll on them to survive the scrutiny of the world here. But they do not have the loopholes which I had the privilege of exploiting to become a better me. My hypocrisy amazes me.
And one other thing that amazes me is, the sheer amount of opportunities here in US. Back home, the only way to "Have" is to take it from someone else. Honest labor has no value. Simply because there are just endless masses of human beings in honest labor. It’s not regarded as anything big deal. You need labor a lot of it, endless hours of it, devoid of any need for life, forget ergonomic environment, clean air is a myth and healthy food and “me” time is missing in its entirety.
There is a lot of fun at home though. In extreme apathy, humor is the only escape. Unhealthy food is always delicious and since everyone is grinding and groveling, no one feels left out or inadequate.
Everyone is more or less happy and there is a lot of support to just get by. US scares me. I don’t see any support should i fail. I also don’t see any corruption to give me any advantage over others. And while that may be a great thing in general and not my concern for now, as I am successful.
But what if I fail? What happens when I stop becoming amazing? What if I just want to slow down a bit or just get exhausted or even bored for a while? In a society where only extreme competence and super intelligence is rewarded and everything else is a baggage, what fate does it hold for the non conformists.
I miss never being able to quit to travel. I fear falling ill. And even with the most kindest of managers, I worry sharing my fears, what if they are just a baggage. What if I am just a liability in a delusion of being an asset?
So rule of life is be best to live best else wither away. Failure is to Be Gone and be lost into nothingness. You will have friends and lovers only for the success that you are. Your failure and loneliness has no shelter. It is a life of dread and a sign of weakness to feel this impending inadequacy. Finding a therapist to boost morale, taking pills to feel the upside, finding successful projects to keep going. Do everything that can be done to not miss a step. No one has a choice anymore.
I cannot deny my deep sadness for never having the courage to be around children. All I see is sadness and gloom for the world they are going to inherit and the pain that will be their perpetuity. Irony remains, if the children grow up to be oblivious to the apathy around them which is the fate of all save the elite 1%, that is another darkness the world cannot bear. No children for me, and it hurts me.
Kindness, empathy, spirituality and happiness is only worth a dime when accompanied with the made up social dignity. A homeless man’s wondrous music is worth few pennies and more disgust in general. Such is life!
