Cancer & Care

Do we really care? Do we even understand the implications of our today’s decisions or rather our indecisiveness. We as a society are drawn more and more towards distractions. The sum total of our social responsibilities comes down to viewing select few documentaries and commenting on the myriad social media platforms of how we are really moved. Yet, our daily life remains unmoved. Until a point comes and when we really get hit hard. 

Past one year, I am amidst the statistics of rare cancer. Cancer is a term collectively used for 400 types of different malignant diseases. 380 of these types are rare. 1 in 3 victims of cancer are diagnosed of this rare type. In the year 2018, USA documented almost 3 million cancer patients and 550,000 of these patients were rare cancers. 

We want to believe our way of world is fine and all shall be well. Tell that to the parents who are living in the hospitals with their children undergoing chemo or radiation. What does it take for us to stop children being treated as guinea pigs by doctors who are limited in their understanding of the rare cancer volcanic landscape not intentionally but because as a society we have failed to arm them with adequate information. Accurate diagnosis is hard due to inefficient infrastructure of molecular level screens. There is no consistency within the medical community on a host of cancers regarding the best treatment regiment. Specialists are unaffordable for many without top line insurance coverage. 

I am often asked why can’t I prioritize the rare cancers since there are already so many cardiac and diabetic researches going on. Or for that matter, Breast and lung cancer therapies are abundant. My only response is there is no profit. 

Health care industry can only benefit from a diseased society. Clean air, purified water, nutrient rich natural diet and a regularly exercising stress free population will eventually cause nightmares for hundreds of CEOs. We are happy to be glued to ever aspiring TV shows, dismal political conflicts, buying our sodas and sweetened cheap fast food and paying for our weakening health. Everything I have written so far is all well known to all. Writing doesn’t matter no more. Feelings and emotions become redundant. Getting in the field to make an effort to do something has only taught me the investor dot com mentality of immediate gratifications and fast turning of profits with ever increasing margins. Make no mistake, even the mightiest of benefactors with their full page articles of generosity only back the horse ready to win the clinical trials. If you have a target candidate to take to the patients, then will the money roll and that too after the profit pie is adequately divided. 

The journey from nothingness to identifying the potential target requires a massive research infrastructure. The labs with its invitro 2D & 3D cultures and new age reagents, the rodent proof of concept studies, the need for people often pulling genius rabbit ideas out of their really poor hats all the time keeping the spirits high. A rare cancer startup is where I have learned more about caring and truly being meaningful. Living with caregivers of patients and being led by a survivor, this journey marks a new hope. This is the 20th of April, 2019. I am forced to become a better person and keep my selfish needs to myself just this once for the greater good. I want to believe I can do this and not run away again as is my habit of escape. I escaped India to avoid drowning in the endless apathy. This time it’s different. Today I feel I may have a fighting chance. 

Here is a toast to hope! 

On Loyalty

Often a hugely difficult state of mind and life. What is loyalty? Defined as a strong feeling of support and allegiance, misplaced loyalty and divided sense of belonging is plaguing this world. Or is this plague just in my world?

To be true to my own self is to find the best that is for me. The best for me now happens to be whatever my loved ones need. My most loved one, my mother needs me with her. I do not want that and so where is my loyalty?

I want to be free of restraints and travel with my head held high. I want to love more, explore it all and this leads to more infidelity. I love intimacy and this breaks more hearts. The idea of continuity is so elusive to my mind, so fragile an entity, please can someone explain me loyalty?

I am loyal to my friends and dote on children. I do not want any family of mine anymore for I fear never having enough of anything for them. I fear passing on my imperfections, I fear their critical reviews on my failures as a parent. I do not know where to hide my insecurities for the fatigue of faking it every moment is so real. I do not like this world and so I feel its time to end it all. 

I wish I never knew love and selfless giving. I find all of my thoughts and words confusing me every day more. It would be a happiness to stop chasing a dream. What is this white American lie that I am forcing myself to fit in? It is not my music nor my flavors, I miss my garden fragrances, and yet the lure of money I barely save keeps gratifying a senseless pride. 

Who am I loyal to and what have I become? What do I want to do and who should I turn to? Is this a cry for help and is it time to spend my wages on a therapist? 

I write this when my life is near perfect. I am 32 years of age, employed in a Boston Biotech working with some brilliant people. I recently bought an apartment in my city of joy, kolkata and I can afford the monthly mortgage with ease while living in my harvard square fancy leased space. I own a car, I received the H1B in a Trump Era. Point being, when I read my life in another 20 years, this day should seem silly. 

There is no reason for any conflicts. Parents do become old and illness makes them weep. Life goes on and there are millions of migrants. Why is my split of sentiments any more valid than rest? While the world wages war, I am at peace. Or, I should be at peace.  

It is but a chance to be born in any geography. True curse is to have to be driven away from those lands far off. And yet the very effort of leaving the more familiar geography leads to so much more. Such enrichment in experiences. So much wonders to explore. Also the loneliness. A curse so coveted. Loyalty confuses me so much. Patriotism is a form of ego must to abjure and never to imprint. And here I am craving home. 

No, I don't just crave my family and time with them. I want my home. I also want my first world privileges and this is where the world divides. I want it all tonight!